Thursday, 15 February 2018

I Am The Survivor

Photo by Fikri Radzuan

I wanna be real, as how it says on my bag. I wanna share some part of my life through this blog so you could get at least an idea on how my life works. These 4 years has been tough for me. I could say it was like hell but some might take it literally so what I meant was metaphorically. Back in 2014, after my Sijil Pelajaran Malaysia - it's a public exams that every Malaysians take once in their lifetime - results were announced, everyone told me to pursue my dream.

At that time, I hated Physics, Biology & Chemistry purely because my brain couldn't handle all those information and I was good in maths, I was brilliant to say the least. My dad taught me high school maths when I was 10 and punishes me every time I got an answer wrong. Maybe that's why I love Additional Mathematics in school, I guess....

So, fast forward, I need to make up my mind on what to pursue for my Diploma. I was given 8 choices to choose from hundreds of courses available and out of 8, I chose 5 different options of the same course, Accounting. The other 3 were English - mom told me I had a very fluent English & she thinks that I should pursue English. 

When the results came out, I was happy. The most joyous I've ever been since my SPM results. In the back of my mind, I always envision that I'm gonna be a forensic accountant, solving monetary fraud and find the source of the impairments but I wasn't so sure. 

As I entered the next phase of life - the university life - , I was in confusion. All I thought was " am I making a right decision ? " but there was no answer. I couldn't find a definite answer but I manage to brush it off of my shoulder and stand steadfast, walk through it.

Fast forward, I was in my fourth semester. From the first semester until the third one, I only failed one subject out of 17 subjects & I got up and continue fighting. I thought to myself that if I can make it till the fourth, I don't see any reason to not graduate on time. I plant that confidence in myself but as I water it every day, it grew so much that it became overconfident

That was what killed me. It kills me to see that I was that person just a year and a half ago. In the same semester, I took 6 subjects and my results were pretty bad. I manage to prove myself that being overconfident could wreck everything mainly because I failed 3 subjects. I didn't feel anything at that time because I told myself  " you still have your next semester, do better next time ". Believe me, I don't even know I even thought of that. That was the most reckless thing I could say to myself. 

I entered my fifth semester with a new hope but deep down, I never expected anything for myself. I wasn't helping myself to do better. I stood there and watch myself crumble every single day. I was ignorant to my own damn self. 

It was the day when all UiTM students would get their emails at midnight and that night made me so anxious. I told myself that it's gonna be good. It will be okay but as I open the email through my phone, I could see that I have finally manage to disappoint my own self again. I mean who disappoint their own self twice in a row ? 

I was suppose to finish my Diploma within 5 semesters. I have fathom the fact that I needed to extend my semesters in order for me to graduate. I was left with 8 subjects in my hand and yes, I could just take all 8 subjects and finish it in one go but before I take any step further, I took one step back. I reflect myself with all the things had happened due to my overconfidence. I made my decision and it was to take 4 subjects at a time. Take it at my own pace and it would also help to fix my CGPA. I took it.

That semester, I faithfully push myself every single day to class, learn the same damn thing again and again but the differences were that this time, I did all the homeworks that were given to me. I did all the assignments with effort and passion. I gave my all.

It was the day that the results came in. I was in Penang that day, having my time off right after my grandmother had passed away. I was in bed that night when the results came in. I was so anxious so I opened the email right away. Only god knows how thankful and joyful I was seeing that I passed all my exams. Not only that, my results for that semester were impeccable. I got one A with 3 B's. Good enough for a person who put a goal to only get all C's.

This semester was not even close to hard, it was beyond that. It was hard for me because I was determined to finish everything. There could never be another next semester, there never be another it's okay, you can do better next time because there was no more extending more semesters. I am tired of extending semesters while looking at my friends who are now pursuing their Bachelor's Degree.

Yes, some might argue that education is not a race which I totally agree with but when you're stuck in a place where no one could be there for you in person, it sucks. I don't have anyone else to refer to if I have any problem in solving the Statement of Financial Position. I don't have anyone else to refer when I have problems in finding the Consideration Paid to calculate the chargeable gains on Real Property Gain Tax. 

I trained myself to understand the problems. I trained myself to communicate with my classmates if I really need anything from them. 

2 weeks left before I have my study week was when I was called for an interview for my Bachelor's Degree. One thing about the interview was that it was not organised in my campus, it was organised in a campus 2 and a half hours away from me. Not only that, the interview was on a Saturday morning.

I went through for the entrance test and the interviews. I told my parents that I'd like to have some fun time at the nearest mall before I go back to my campus. Mind you, that week I had to finish 2 group assignments while preparing the presentation slide for my group presentation. As I was satisfied by all the fun time I had, I went back to my campus and you know what was the first thing I did after I entered my room ? No, I didn't unpack my stuff but instead, I opened my book and started finishing my assignments from where I left it.

I think I was very determined in finishing my semester that I changed a certain habits that I have and most certainly, the overconfident kinda diminished.

Today, I received an email from my university. I was damn anxious. I wanted my mom to open it for me and read it for me but when I rushed into her room, she was taking her bath. I was standing in the living room, trying to resist the temptation to open the email. I don't want to disappoint myself after all the hard work I've put in. 

As I open the email, I cried. I felt numb. I remembered that numb feeling that I had when I disappoint myself but I don't know why I felt that this time. I showed my mom the email and she gracefully thanked God but I left her wondering on why I cried. I honestly don't know. 

I entered my room, feeling neither sad or joy. What I felt was as if there's something missing in myself.  It's like there's a cavity hole in my body or somewhere in between. Finally I realised that what I felt was not numb, it was relief. 

I have always see Accounting as something that I truly despise. No, it's more than that. I hate Accounting but as you began to accept the fact that you have to go through it, you begin to understand but deep down you know you have to let it go at some point. 

It's like you're having a tumor removal surgery and you lived through the surgery and the tumor has finally gone from your body. Cavity resulted from the removal of the tumor but in time, it will heal itself. 

Accounting was the tumor. I am the survivor.

1 comment


© Blankologie. Design by Fearne.